Space Mountain

Today, marks 19 days that I have been at Saint Agnes "cooking" my little one a bit longer. Some days are long, some shorter. I have emotionally good days full of optimism and strength and days where my eyes burn from being tearful. The Lord has taken me on a ride for sure. I liken it to a Disneyland ride because yes, I signed up for this and love the idea of it (just like space mountain). It's a thrill every time I feel the baby kick, see his or her heart beat and is totally worth every hard moment in the end. However, sometimes the ride can be nauseating and gives me whip lash. I have learned of God's plan and provision.

When I was in college, Jen Bell was my mentor. We embarked on a journey to study and memorize scripture. James was one of our main targets. In James 1:2-3ish it says, "Consider it pure joy my brothers, WHEN you face trials of many kinds knowing that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may become mature and complete not lacking anything." There are two reasons why I share this. First the discipline of memorizing scripture was amazing. For the first week I was not able to read anything or focus well. I was trapped inside my body in a sense. If it were not for the Lord's Word floating around in my head, I may have gone crazy. His constant reminder of promise and provision was reassuring and calming. The second reason is that we are promised trials. Because of this promise, I wasn't spending my time angry at God. He is in control, He knows our hearts and He has planned everything ahead of time.

God is good. His word is sweet. His love is deep and comforting.

Tomorrow marks a big day for me. At 4am we turn off this wonderful drug slowing my contractions. We really don't know what will happen. I may start contracting again and have a baby tomorrow. There is a just as likely chance that I will not show signs of labor and go home for a few more weeks of rest and sanity before our lives change forever. I feel like I have driven across the entire country just to knock on a precious friends door and see if they are home. (I wish they had a cell phone to call ahead!)

The Lord had calmed my heart. At first I was so anxious to get this baby out and get home. Now, I realize that the best thing for this baby may for me to be agonizingly board for another few weeks and let him or her grow some more. So, I am in a place where either way, I will not be too upset.

Thank you so much to everyone who has surrounded us. Friends and family have spent so much time preparing meals, bringing flowers and snacks and praying for us. This is one of those times where you feel like words aren't enough.